The importance of repairing ruptures within the coaching relationship — transforming disconnection into deeper connection

The relationship we establish with our client is the beating heart of coaching. Transformational coaching is created within a relational container that has solid foundations of trust, openness and mutuality between coach and coachee.

If trust and openness are not being experienced, it is likely the coachee will be experiencing a threatening or anxious state that will be triggering and shutting them down to both their internal process and external connection with their coach.

When the coachee is experiencing trust, the opposite will be true: they will be open and calm. As Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal theory describes, instead of a fight, flight, freeze stress response, their social engagement system will be activated. This means that they will be fully present, calm and in connection with themselves and the coach.

Without trust, coaching will remain transactional as the coachee will not be in a state to feel secure. As Daniel Sigel describes, a secure relationship means the coachee feels safe, seen and is soothed.

However, as with any relationship, misunderstandings and disconnections, known as “ruptures,” are almost inevitable. The key to maintaining and even strengthening our coaching relationships lies not in avoiding these ruptures, but in knowing how to surface and consciously repair them.

“The cycle of reciprocity, rupture, and repair is the nature of healthy relationships” — Deb Dana

A “rupture” is any disruption in the coaching relationship that causes a disconnection or strain. This can range from minor misunderstandings to more unhelpful relational dynamics. Ruptures may be experienced or created by the coach or the coachee.

Common examples of ruptures in coaching include:

• loss in the coach’s presence and connection with the coachee
• not pacing the coachee and meeting them where they are before leading them, for example, in the use of a creative technique
• challenging the coachee too hard or too soon
• misinterpreting a client’s needs or emotions
• offering feedback that the client perceives as too judgemental
• failing to recognise or respect cultural, personal, or organisational sensitivities or norms
• not fully demonstrating an understanding of the coachee’s situation
• experiencing challenges to the agreed coaching contract, e.g. coach blurring boundaries with mentoring, or coachee being late several times to the coaching sessions

While ruptures to the coaching relationship are often uncomfortable for both the coach and coachee, they often present an invaluable opportunity for growth and a deeper connection if they are handled with compassion and a clear intent.

A rupture left unaddressed can result in a breakdown of trust, diminished engagement, and ultimately the coaching relationship itself. Think of a wound that is left to fester: the symptoms become more severe and have a greater impact.

In contrast, a conscious repair will usually strengthen the relationship and re-establish trust within the coaching relationship. As a metaphor, consider developing a muscle at the gym: rupture and repair is the process in which our muscles grow and strengthen, and the same is true for our relationships.

Repair is the process by which you, as the coach, acknowledge the rupture through spot contracting and feedback, seeking to understand, and working collaboratively with the coachee to restore connection and trust in the relationship. Effective repair is a skilful process that requires awareness, compassion, intention and mindful communication.

Here are key strategies to help you navigate and instigate a repair effectively within your coaching relationships.

ABC – Always Be Contracting

Coaches that train with us will understand the importance of ongoing contracting conversations as a way of continuing to co-create and strengthen the coaching relationship. This session contracting also allows us to evaluate or gauge the effectiveness of the coaching, rather than waiting for the evaluation review at the end of the programme. It also holds the coachee in a horizontal development relationship and helps surface any ruptures that the coach may not be aware of.

Some example questions for the start of the coaching session include:

• “Before we move into the coaching session, I wanted to take a moment to review how we are both finding working together. How are you finding our coaching relationship?”
• “What have I done so far that you have found most useful?”
• “What are you finding less useful? What else would be useful?”
• “What else could you be doing to get more from our sessions?”
• “Is it ok if I offer you some feedback too…”

Access Supervision

Supervision is a confidential space where we can take our experiences of ruptures to explore with the support of a professional coach supervisor. Through a supervisory dialogue we can identify a way to consciously instigate and navigate a conversation with care. In Supervision we can roleplay the required client conversation and explore the likely impact vs our intention.

Most importantly the supervisor can help us work through our learning edge that we have met as a result of the presenting rupture. This way we are continuing evolving and becoming more resourceful as a professional coach.

Acknowledge the rupture

Recognising when a rupture has occurred is the first step toward healing it. Look for signs in your client’s body language, tone, or a shift in their level of engagement. You might also feel a sense of disconnection or discomfort. If something feels off, don’t ignore it, as it is likely your coachee is feeling it too. Instead, acknowledge it by gently addressing the change with curiosity.

Take responsibility and facilitate a compassionate inquiry

If the rupture was due to an intervention or comment on your part, take responsibility. Acknowledging this models accountability for your client. Express genuine compassion and explore how they may be feeling.

Invite a dialogue and utilise your coaching skills

Repair is a collaborative process, and it begins with understanding your coachee’s perspective. Invite them to share their feelings and experience without interruption or defence. Show them you’re truly listening by utilising your coaching skills, reflecting back what they’ve said and acknowledging their emotions. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I hear that you felt frustrated and unsupported when I offered the assumption, I sensed you were making.”

Together with the coachee, discuss ways to prevent similar ruptures in the future. This collaborative approach gives them agency and ensures that you both have a clear way for moving forward. “What might make you feel more comfortable next time I offer to share my observations and experience of you in our conversation?”

To bring this to life, here are three examples from practice:

Example one

A coach was travelling to their client’s office when they received a message to say the client had to attend an urgent meeting, so they needed to rearrange (it was session two in a series of six sessions). After three emails and two phone calls over the next four weeks, the client had finally agreed a date for the session that had to be rescheduled. A week before the next coaching session, the client contacted the coach to say they were too busy and needed to push out the coaching session for at least a month. The coach charged them for this cancelled session. They felt irritated by this and that they were being treated like they were one of the client’s employees; they were not sure they wanted to continue with the coaching programme.

Following a supervision session, the coach asked to have a conversation with the client before they met for the next session. When they met, the coach spoke to them about the importance of the coaching relationship. They asked them if there is anything happening that means that the client was not able to commit to the coaching at the moment? The client shared “no,” just they had a lot on. The coach then asked them if they could offer some feedback about what had happened, to which the client answered “yes.” The coach then shared: “I wanted to let you know that when you cancelled the coaching sessions with me at short notice, the impact on me was that I was unable to secure alternative client sessions so there was a significant financial impact. This was the reason I charged you the cancellation fee. I am wondering what would be helpful for us to agree in terms of the scheduling of our sessions, so the momentum does not drop again whilst we are working together?”

Example two

A client was experiencing a restructure and had just finished telling the coach about their fears about the future. After hearing this, the coach asked “What’s the best that can happen?” Whilst the coach had an intent to help shift the energy of the conversation, the client did not feel heard and was not ready to connect to a more appreciative lens. The trust they had experienced with their coach was diminished by this rupture.

The coach acknowledged this by saying“Is it ok if I check in with you about something?” The client said “yes.” The coach then shared, “I noticed earlier when I asked you the question, what was the best that could happen, I experienced a drop in my sense of our connection. I wanted to raise this and acknowledge I had not seen how challenging your current situation was for you. I hope you know how important the trust is between us and I am wondering what would be helpful for us to discuss further about what just happened?”

Example three

A client was talking about their senior team and the lack of accountability they were experiencing with their direct reports. “I just feel overwhelmed with all this responsibility,” she shared, and started to cry. The coach responded by sharing: “I can see how sad you are by the inaction of your team members.” The coachee paused and replied, “I am not sad, I am incredibly angry about the situation and how they are all just waiting for me to deal with everything.” She now did not feel heard or understood and experienced a disconnection with her coach.

The coach noticed this and said, “I realise that just then I was a bit clumsy by not seeing your anger with your team and I’m sorry for my misunderstanding. Please help me understand this by telling me more about your anger.”

Remember, rupture and repair are not signs of failure in a coaching relationship; in fact, they offer opportunities for profound growth and learning for both the client and the coach. Each rupture, when mindfully addressed, has the potential to transform a coaching relationship, building trust and a deeper connection that pave the way for a permission to be vulnerable.

A final point is that coachees will often bring relationship challenges as topics to a coaching session. By the coach modelling healthy ways of dealing with any ruptures to the coaching relationship, there will be a process of learning for the coachee as they will experience approaches that they can then use within their own interpersonal conflicts.

By intentionally instigating conversations with coachees about repair, coaches consciously hold the container and create a truly transformative environment in which their coachees feel safe, seen, soothed and empowered to grow.

“This is the PART we play in helpful communication. PART means that we are present, attune, resonate and create trust.” – Daniel Sigel

Sources

• Daniel Siegel – Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain
• Stephen W Porges – The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe.