Holding a coaching stance of ‘OKness’

“The greatest communication is usually how we are rather than what we say.” — Joseph Goldstein.

One of the reasons I chose Catalyst as the name of my coaching business was my connection with its meaning: ‘being an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action.’ During the years that I have been coaching, I have come to realise that being a catalyst for change fundamentally depends a great deal more on my being rather than anything I say.

I have learnt that for the coachee to be open to change, they need to be relaxed, feel safe and held with unconditional positive regard. Or as Richard Boyatzis describes, that coaching is a resonant relationship that creates psychological safety and empathy, and imbues a positive emotional tone for change to take place and be sustained.

When these conditions are in place, it establishes psychological safety, encouraging our coachees to be open to coaching, to be vulnerable, and willing to explore and experiment with change.

This of course can be challenging at times when the coachee is in a dysregulated emotional state, being defensive or not taking responsibility for their own development (i.e., if they have been sent for coaching). In these moments, the critical thing is to be useful rather than helpful (which is the hook) — and to move out of doing and into our congruence, our being, by embodying a stance of OKness.

One of the most effective psychological frameworks that support us to hold this catalytic coaching space is the stance of OKness from the concept of “I’m OK – You’re OK,” Transactional Analysis (TA). This model, introduced by psychiatrist Dr Thomas Harris, provides coaches with a fundamental approach for understanding human interactions and for creating transformational coaching relationships.

TA is a psychological theory developed by Dr. Eric Berne, and Harris later expanded on it with his book I’m OK – You’re OK. This concept revolves around the idea that individuals operate from one of four fundamental life positions:

1. I’m OK – You’re OK (Healthy, resourceful and balanced state).
2. I’m OK – You’re NOT OK (Superiority, controlling, often judgmental).
3. I’m NOT OK – You’re OK (Low self-esteem, deference, feeling inferior).
4. I’m NOT OK – You’re NOT OK (Apathy, hopelessness, despair).

If a coach is triggered, and unconsciously operating from an “I’m OK – You’re NOT OK” position, they may come across as judgmental or controlling — offering direction when it’s not needed and, in doing so, undermining the client’s self-worth and sense of agency.

Conversely, if the coach reacts from a “I’m NOT OK – You’re OK” stance, they give their power away and end up being deferential to the coachee. Behind this reaction, the coach may be struggling with their inner critic, doubting their ability to add value and retreating from contact.

But the “I’m OK – You’re OK” stance represents a horizontal and equalising way of holding the coaching relationship. It means that fundamentally the coach is respecting the coachee and themselves. It is the optimal state for meaningful coaching interactions, as it fosters trust, safety, collaboration and mutual growth.

Operating from a stance of OKness (“I’m OK – You’re OK”), we will see our clients as unique, resourceful and capable — and not as “broken” or needing to be “fixed.” This in turn can empower them to take ownership of their actions, fostering confidence and self-reliance. Our challenge will be offered with a positive intent, enabling the coachee to go further than they thought was possible.

When I was training as a coach and discussing working with vulnerability and the expression of emotion, Diana Whitmore said this to me:

“You need to trust in the self-organismic principle in coaching: the coachee is healthy and is organising what they are comfortable sharing with you.”

Knowing this has enabled me in challenging coaching contexts to let go, be present and hold the coachee with a stance of OKness; I trust the coachee is comfortable sharing what they are sharing (e.g. emotion) and I hold them with respect and compassion so they can learn from this new information.

If you have trained as a coach with us, from practice you will understand the importance of ABC (Always Be Contracting) — where, every time you meet with your coachees, you aim to co-create a coaching space that embraces an “I’m OK – You’re OK” horizonal way of relating.  By doing this, it co-creates a transformational space for change. Your coachees feel more motivated, resilient, and open to exploring new possibilities without fear of failure or judgment.

So, next time you are in a coaching session and feel impacted by a defensive or overwhelmed reaction from your coachee, take a breath and pause. Remember the coachee is there and so some part of them wants to be coached; feel your ground, relax, reconnect and embody the phrase, “I’m OK -You’re OK.” And, from a place of OKness, recontract and inquire what your coachee needs in this moment.

References

The Science of Change – Richard E Boyatzis
I’m OK, You’re OK. A Practical Approach to Human Psychology – Thomas A Harris