Testing the Rules of the Road

Rules have a place and a power….and some are meant to be broken.

As a parent, rules help me to create boundaries to keep my son safe and whole (as much as is in my gift). In the workplace, they enable me to navigate my place and dynamics with others. And as a coach, I have also seen the spaces where they prevent rather than protect. Both personally and for the people that I work with, I have seen how outdated rules can create a container that limits (1) our potential, and (2) our capacity to be human, make mistakes, learn, and truly connect.

As adults, many of our rules are self-imposed, and come in the form of beliefs, permissions and assumptions. In my interactions with others, I regularly hear words like ‘should,’ ‘shouldn’t,’ ‘must,’ ‘must not,’ ‘have to,’ and ‘can’t.’ I have found these same words floating around my own head, particularly in new or uncomfortable dynamics where I perceive risk. I think we create or carry these rules to keep us safe. My observation is that they can also keep us small.

The beauty of the coach role is that we support others to lean into the space of potential; there is an implicit move away from small in this, for our coachees and for us. Some of our unconscious rules need to be raised and tested, and occasionally broken.

This recently came home to me following a session with a leader who I love working with and learn lots from. He is someone who is genuinely respected, and operates with backbone and heart. Professionally he gives a lot and asks for little. And personally he holds back (I feel). We were exploring his relationship with work and its place in his world. Using images, we spoke about what was important to him.

What became clear is that despite belonging being a huge driver for him in life, he was still operating from a place of distance at work. There was a disconnect between his values and ways of working, created by rules he wasn’t aware he had in place. And the space for him to meaningfully connect and realise his needs was being impacted.

I think that there are some incredible lenses we can access as coaches to help raise awareness and explore beliefs, assumptions and permissions with our coachees. I often come back to the following:

“A wellspring of good ideas lies beneath an untrue limiting assumption. An incisive question will remove it, freeing the mind to think afresh.” – Nancy Kline, Time to Think

“Even small changes in our Big Assumptions can have big implications for permanently altering out once-captivating equilibrium.” – Robert Kegan, Immunity to Change

“The quality of our thinking cannot be higher than the quality of information on which is it based.” – Daniel Kahneman, Thinking Fast and Slow

“The courage to be vulnerable is not about winning or losing, it’s about the courage to show up when you can’t predict or control the outcome.” – Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
“The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” – Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance

These have shaped the way that I listen, the observations I make, and the questions that I ask. They frame the potential in observing and testing our rules of the road.

And, when rules need to be broken, I have found that there is force and magic in the realm of ‘play’.

Einstein said “Play is the highest form of research.”

Play feels light and full of possibility, without the weight of permanence. In it, there is permission to try new things, without having to commit. There is scope to be curious and imagine different ways of being. I use the word ‘play’ a lot in my coaching and consciously choose to be playful when engaging with certain individuals and groups because I think it creates safe space to take some risks. And I have never not seen a coachee lean in.

In our 2022 Catalyst14 Masterclass, Myles Downey spoke about play in the form of small, low stakes experiments to enable leaders to explore their unique genius. I think experiments are a wonderful way challenge assumptions, gather data and make more informed choices. They are gentle but powerful disruptors.

I love the phrase ‘let go to let come’ and am excited to see what comes as the leader I spoke about lets go of some of his outdated beliefs and starts to experiment with new ways of being…

Having been rule-bound for much of my life, I am learning to question much more what actually works for me and those I coach, and it is liberating. I have included a few reflection questions below….I hope they bring a little more freedom for you too.

Reflection Questions

• What assumptions am I making about my safety and worth?
• How might I actively test these assumptions?
• Where do I allow myself to ‘play’ in my work?
• Where might I be keeping myself small? What would 10% bigger look and feel like?
• What is one experiment that would move me gently into new territory?
• What would I love to let go of?